missmarymac

it’s been at least a year & a half since i’ve been on this thing.. i cant even believe i used to speak in the way i used to, and the last couple of posts, i was such an idiot. amazing.

wish i had other uses for this thing, but i dont.

there’s so much of me that wants to break down & look at everything. bad idea? hm.

it really is amazing that i tend to brood / obsess over certain things so much so that i completely convince myself the distance is making him go crazy as well. & then when i find a hole in that wall of solid defense, my entire world breaks down. & instead, im spending my time trying to talk myself out of the fact that he’s fine without me, not feeling any different. happier, even. & the entire process starts all over again. i honestly wish i just knew something, ANYTHING, as to how he’s thinking right now. how he’s thought in the last two months. but i really dont think i’ll ever know, & it drives me so crazy that not only my heart hurts, but my head hurts as well.

i relapsed, barely. & it has really shaken me up. i hate how quickly my moods change. i was so complacent before, but this really got me. & it honestly wasn’t much of anything. -sigh- i fucking hate emotions sometimes.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD. & get out of my fucking life, damnit. you’re everywhere. it’s very annoying.

“outta sight outta mind” is quite literally what’s keeping me alive and happy atm. & thats not only with guys but with people in general. people who affect me negatively are really doing me much better by not existing in my life right now. that’s not how its always gonna work, esp in a few weeks. at least one will pop in and out, but for now this is a fine strategy & im very happy with it.

so apparently, whenever i feel shitty about the way i look now, i really just have to look at old pictures of me. makes me feel muuuch better about the present.

im quite proud of my week cold turkey. although theres much more of me that just wants to go right back to the crazy habits i’d acquired, im trying to keep busy & stay strong. just praying thing’s’ll go as planned, and accepting more each day.

its been a loooong time since ive used this. shaking the cobwebs out, looking for ways to use it on my phone.